Balancing my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership

As a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved numerous, largely pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, but I never felt completely content, in that I didn't experience love or intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Every time I begin to date any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to be intimate with other men once more.

Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy

I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that many gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, but from my observations, they appear demanding, frequently resulting in significant pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I want a partner to love me while letting me remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just continue to have casual sex and accept that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel a bit lost.

Every person’s sexual journey varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs in your current state may well change down the road; eventually you might become more decisive and find some clarity and a suitable route … or not. One day you could encounter a person offering a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring your desires in a holistic fashion … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Try to be present with your partners, and recognize the value of every individual with whom you might have an intimate bond. If and when the time is right to strengthen genuine closeness with one partner, you will know.

• The psychotherapist practices as a American therapy professional focusing on treating intimacy issues.